Woah, I’ve Never Met a Sex Worker Before!

Upon admitting that I’m a sex worker, I’ll get a plethora of different responses that range from supportive to deeply bigoted. Somewhere in the middle of the range of those reactions, towards the more supportive end, are people who seem fascinated by my admission that I sell sex and who have all sorts of invasive questions. These questions about prostitution are frequently formed in a way that betrays their misinformed perception of what sex work is like.

What kind of questions do people ask?

I was recently asked whether I was a sex worker by choice, after I responded to a question about what I do for work. When I incredulously asked whether he usually asks people if they chose their job or not, he told me he was just wondering if it was something I’d been forced into because he’d heard that was a common issue in the sex industry. Before I could speak with him further, he couldn’t help but ramble on about how he respects people who sell sex and doesn’t see why people have an issue with it. It stalled our conversation and I swallowed my second-hand embarrassment for him so that I could change the topic.

This exemplifies a common issue – people want to be seen as supportive but cannot help but see sex workers as victims and also as a novelty to extract scandalous stories from. If I were actually someone who was currently being forced to sell sex, in the unlikely event that I would casually bring that up when asked about my profession, why would I want to divulge the details of something so traumatic that had happened to me?

Our trauma as sex workers is discussed casually online or in media, with characters on TV or in movies who are prostitutes revealing their sad backstories to practically anyone who might ask. Some people imagine that those they meet in real life will be just as forthcoming if they have experienced the same, or that they have a similar history at all.

Not everyone asks such invasive questions about personal suffering. I get many questions that treat me more like a novelty act or as if I’m some fascinating different type of human because I sell sex. They tell me they cannot fathom doing it themselves, ask how many people I’ve had sex with, question how my personal relationships function or assume I have an incredible level of sexual talent. I’ll be asked what my parents think of my job, what my average age of client is, and people will ask me to make sweeping generalizations about men’s sexual preferences with the assumption that my experiences with clients will give me special insight into their inner desires and sex lives.

I prefer curiosity over open hatred. That doesn’t mean I appreciate being interrogated every time I talk about sex work. For those who ask me, it’s usually their first time speaking to a sex worker about our profession, which they frequently admit. It’s almost definitely not the first time they’ve ever met a sex worker, but the first time one has admitted to their profession in front of them.

Each time I’m inundated with questions, I desire less and less to admit to what I do in future. I don’t want to talk to the person who’s prying, it makes me dislike them, and I find myself lying to new people I meet. A lot of sex workers lie out of shame or fear of mistreatment or being outed, then we get into a position where we’re as safe to speak about it as we can get and it’s still made too exhausting to be worth it.

What would I like to see, from these people who are surprised by meeting a sex worker?

I’d like people to take a moment to consider their questions before the ask them. Thinking about whether the question they’re about to ask is something they can intuit, or something that is likely to be offensive, would save me from so much of my time being wasted.

Not only would I like to see consideration over what answers are demanded from sex workers, but I want people to consider the context they’re in. If you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone and their career is an incidental detail that you find out in the course of it, derailing the discussion so that you can sate your curiosity is rude at best. The context could be that you’re meeting someone for the first time, in which case questions about their sex life likely wouldn’t be acceptable and there’s no automatic exception to that when someone has sex for work. A good friend asking questions is going to be far more tolerable, even if they make some mistakes with their language or assumptions, than a stranger would be.

Sex workers are people, not walking freakshow curiosities. If you want more information about the typical sex worker’s experience, it’s a good idea to look up where sex workers are already speaking about their experiences and education people in whatever medium you prefer.

Where can you find out more about sex workers?

If you’re genuinely interested, the resources are out there. I have this blog, where I discuss a plethora of topics, for example.

You can look at organizations fighting for sex workers’ rights like ASWA (African Sex Worker Alliance) or Red Canary Song or SWARM or the ECP or SWOP USA among many others, all of which have resources.

There are books that can educate you, like Revolting Prostitutes or Luttes des Putes or WeToo: Essays on Sex Work and Survival or Coming Out Like a Pornstar and plenty more.

Something you should keep in mind is that there are organizations or people who claim to speak on behalf of sex workers, but who have agendas which harm sex workers in actuality. Use your judgement and look into who is speaking about sex work and what the impact on sex work will be of what they advocate for. Listen to people with experiences in the profession who choose to speak.