How to Build a Healthy Relationship with Porn

To begin building a healthy relationship with porn, you first have to accept that watching porn is not wrong. Sex and masturbation are not bad or dirty and they don’t become so when you film them. All porn is, at its core, is recorded sexual activity. The issues that exist within the porn industry are not inherent to recording sex acts.

Whether you’re someone who avoids porn out of concern that consuming it may be unethical, or someone who watches large amounts of porn and feels shame around it, it is never too late to learn how to interact with porn in a healthy way.

First, ask yourself: what do you want from the porn you watch?

No, this isn’t a trick question! Most people want to watch porn to arouse themselves or to masturbate to, or out of curiosity, but there are additional things to consider.

What kind of people do you want to watch porn of? What kinds of sex acts would you like to watch them engage in? Do you have any kinks you would like to satisfy through watching porn? How long does it take you to orgasm, on your own? Would you like the video to be long enough to last until you orgasm, or do you watch porn to get worked up and masturbate afterwards? Do you like to watch a range of people, or do you go back to similar performers all the time?

A lot of people only consider what they’re into when they’re hovering over the search bar on the tube site they’re using, only to shut all their tabs the moment they’ve orgasmed and avoid thinking about it further. You do not need to hide from your desires, and you’ll have a much better time if you know what you want in advance!

Determine how long you like the videos you watch to be, what kinds of content you like, and consider how frequently you seek out porn. If you don’t clear your internet search history regularly and you’re already someone who watches porn, check how often you access your favourite porn sites. Don’t set yourself a schedule, just look at how often you already seek out porn or think about how often you desire to.

Work out which websites to use, and which performers to support.

Here’s the part where you’ll need to work through some ethical considerations. To come to a decision about this, you need to balance your budget with your preferences and fair pay for the sex workers you’re watching.

If you like the idea of watching many videos of the same person, or of a couple of people, a subscription to an individual sex worker may be the route for you. You can pick a subscription site, like JustForFans or Fansly or various others, and search social media for sex workers who fit your preferences who use those sites. Look through their advertising to find out how often they post or how big their backlog of videos is. This research stage can be fun, because you can look through their clips and see who you find most attractive. You can find couples, people who film solo, or performers who regularly film with different partners. Depending on your budget and how often you watch porn, you may want to subscribe to one or two at a time, and if you get through their backlog of videos and the new uploads aren’t coming fast enough then you can always cancel your subscription and choose someone else.

If you prefer to watch porn including a wide range of people, you might prefer to sign up to a website which hosts videos from a whole studio or from several studios with a roster of performers. These subscription sites are often more expensive than an individual person’s subscription price, or even that of a couple of sex workers, but you get a huge range and a big backlog of videos. You can also find sites that cater to very specific kinks you might have!

For those with no budget at all, or who want to supplement their other porn watching and can’t afford to pay more, there are porn videos that are intentionally put out for free. It is not wrong to watch them! When seeking out free porn videos, you should look for sites where the sex workers in the videos do get paid for advertising revenue and where the performers are verified. You will be able to find clips from studio porn, clips from individual sex workers’ longer videos that they’re putting out for advertising, and longer videos that are released by sex workers to entice viewers! When looking for these, you can choose between websites like ManyVids that have a free section, or PornHub type tube sites which verify those who post their videos.

There are ethical ways to watch porn for people with every sort of budget. You do not need to resort to pirating your porn or using sites that don’t pay sex workers! Preparing in advance so you know what sites you will use and where you can find the videos you like means you’ll be far less tempted to go to unethical sources.

Consider whether you’re happy with how much porn you watch.

Although porn addiction is a bit of a misnomer, it is possible to have compulsive behaviours around porn watching. If you find that you’re watching porn to the point that it interferes with your life, and you find it difficult to stop pressing that pleasure button, consider what the underlying issue is. Many people will act like watching large amounts of porn is the problem itself, but doing so in a way that causes problems is typically the result of seeking escapism from other life problems. Try to approach your relationship to porn like you might approach it if you were playing videogames so much that it caused issues for how you function day-to-day.

Lacking intimacy with other people, and being very lonely, could be a root cause. The interactions you seek out don’t necessarily have to be romantic or sexual, because often sexual stimulation is a proxy for all sorts of kinds of human connection. Try making more friends, or going to see those you already have more often. Consider whether the quality of sex you might be having in your relationship is satisfying to you, and discuss the issues you’re having with your partner rather than retreating to porn where those problems don’t exist.

Talk about porn with your partners (and friends)!

If you get into sexual relationships with others, share your porn viewing habits if they become relevant. Watching porn, like watching other forms of media and being attracted to the people on the screen, is not a form of infidelity. You should communicate with any partners you have. If you feel the need to hide the fact that you are watching porn, there has already been a serious breakdown in communication. If your partner does not want you to watch porn, you should talk with them about why you watch it and consider whether you’re willing to stop watching it in the same way you would consider other media-watching restrictions that a partner might want to impose upon you.

With friends who are comfortable discussing sexual topics with you, it is a good idea to be confident and open about how you interact with porn when it comes up in discussion. You can encourage good habits among your friends by talking about which sites you use to find porn.

Don’t assume that because something happens in porn, that your sexual partners will want to do it too.

Behind the scenes in porn, sex workers plan their videos and the sex acts that will be included. Plenty of the things they do are for the benefit of the camera, and therefore the pleasure of the viewer, rather than being about the performer’s pleasure. A sex position might look amazing in porn, yet make your legs burn in real life – because when you’re having sex, you’re doing it for your enjoyment, not trying to look good aesthetically at the expense of your comfort. There are also cuts in porn, where actors do things like wipe off their genitals before switching up the acts they’re engaging in. Without movie magic, moving from anal to vaginal sex will cause infection!

Rather than making assumptions, you need to talk to your sexual partners and ask them what acts they prefer. Maybe you can even discuss which kinds of porn you like, as a starting off point. You can look up how to safely engage in acts that appeal to you, if you and your partner decide you want to try them out, or you may encounter people who don’t share all of your preferences! Not all fantasies have to be acted out, so it might turn out that there are some things you exclusively watch and other things you do with your partners.

Above all else, what matters is that you communicate. Just because you see something in all the porn videos you watch doesn’t mean that everyone likes it during sex.

There is nothing wrong with watching people engage in sexual activity, whether that’s through your screen or in real life. What matters is that you’re considerate about the desires of all those involved, and that people whose job it is to create that entertainment are fairly compensated.