You’ve just found out that your friend or acquaintance is a sex worker. Naturally, you have questions.
Lots of people know sex workers without realizing they do, but you are one of those in the position of knowing someone who is not only a sex worker but also has decided to tell you. Either your friend is very outspoken, in which case good for them, or this is a sign that they trust you. Due to the stigma around sex work, it is common for those who sell sex or make porn or strip to hide it from at least some of the people in their life, if not everyone.
The questions you have are likely to be well-meaning. Maybe you want to assure yourself of their safety, or perhaps you find the idea of sex work fascinating and you want to hear all about the weirdest experiences your friend has had with clients. I urge you to search for the answers to these questions elsewhere before you consider bringing them to your friend.
Let’s go through some of the topics you might be curious about and how to approach any questions you still have with your friend:
Is their work legal?
The law will depend on the region you live in. To get an overview of the laws around selling sex in your country, there is this map by NSWP. In many countries, there will also be local laws and exceptions, such as managed zones or licensing requirements.
If they are stripping or producing porn, the laws on this also vary by country, though as a general rule the criminalization of these types of sex work tends to be less extreme.
The ideal legal situation for sex work is full decriminalization, treating it in the same way as other forms of work.
What kinds of experiences have they had with clients?
If you are asking this question to check in on whether the sex worker you know is being abused or is unsafe, it’s an understandable impulse, however it’s best to avoid it. As with anyone who may have experienced sexual violence, asking about it can be upsetting and it should be up to the person themselves whether they decide to disclose to someone. In the event that they are experiencing abuse, that does not give you license to make decisions for them or push them to quit, as this is both ineffective and also disrespects their autonomy. Some level of risk of assault with clients may be something that they have weighed against the horrors that come with poverty and financial struggle, or other risky jobs.
If you suspect a sex worker you know is being abused or assaulted by clients, it is a good idea to let them know about services like National Ugly Mugs (UK) where they can check the details of clients to see if they’ve been reported. You can also mention that you are willing to be a safety buddy, if they want someone to know where they are when on a booking. Make sure they know that you will listen if they want to talk, without pushing.
As scary as it might be for you to think about someone you know and care about engaging in a risky profession, it is important not to overreact. The more you panic or insist their job is too dangerous, the less likely they are to share things with you in future.
Sometimes, this question isn’t asked to assess harm, but as a matter of interest or excitement at the idea of a taboo kind of sex. Many people are titillated by the idea of sex work and imagine it to be thrilling. Please keep in mind that sex work is a job, not simply a forbidden form of casual sex. Your fantasies about what it would be like to sell sex to someone incredibly attractive and have amazing sex and do not reflect reality, so you’re better off keeping your imagined scenarios to yourself. The truth, that most of the time the sex is bad or boring, won’t be so fun to hear.
Are they likely to get an STI?
Selling sex does not make someone more likely to get an STI than having sex without payment does; it is having sex with more different people and not using protection which raises the risk. If the sex worker you know seems to be seeing a small number clients, their risk often isn’t higher than people you might know who have sex with various people for fun, though we must account for the fact that clients may have more leverage to pressure the sex worker into not using condoms when compared with a casual hook-up. A sex worker who sees a higher number of clients has an increased risk proportionate to the amount of sexual partners.
Sex workers often take additional precautions, like getting tested more often or taking PrEP, so the risks will vary per person. A poorer sex worker who is more susceptible to agreeing to bareback sex acts to be able to get enough money for rent is not in the same circumstances as a wealthier sex worker who is extremely selective about the clients they see.
Think about how to ask about their risk of STIs, you’re actually asking for a lot of incredibly personal information about which sex acts they engage in and how often and what protection they use, as well as their medical history of STIs. Would you feel comfortable asking another person you know whether they suck dick without a condom, or whether they allow their sexual partners to ejaculate inside of them, in casual conversation?
Does their family know?
Depending on your relationship to the sex worker, asking them this question may come across like a threat. Keep in mind that when someone brings up the idea of family members finding out, if they do not already know then it may cause the sex worker to panic, as sex work is highly stigmatized and their family members may have a negative reaction.
Rather than asking directly, instead it is a good idea to assure the other that you will not share the information. You can then ask if anyone else knows, or if this matter should stay private between you. At this stage, either they will confirm it should stay between you, or they will tell you who knows and you can work out whether their family are among those who are aware.
What is their dating life like?
There are sex workers who are happily married to spouses who know about their profession, sex workers who hide it from their partners, and those who date whilst either being open about their job or keeping quiet about it. If you want to learn about how sex workers handle dating in general, there are articles written by sex workers on the subject (1, 2, 3).
If you’re asking because you know they’re seeing someone… mind your business!
In the case that you’re asking because you want to date this sex worker, the first thing you need to do is decide if you are willing to date a sex worker in practice. Perhaps the idea appeals to you, or you find it hot, but a lot of people decide to date sex workers and then become incredibly jealous or start urging their partner to quit sex work. It is exhausting to be completely honest with someone, have that person say it doesn’t bother them, and then for that person to suddenly not be okay with the terms of the relationship any more. When this happens over and over, simply because of your job, it’s so frustrating! Ask yourself if you’re really okay with your partner sleeping with other people for work, and don’t ask them out until you’re sure.
Once you determine that you’re sure you want to ask them out, go right ahead! Treat it the same as asking out any person you like. If they bring up the sex work and your opinions on it, be open and honest and talk about how you’ve considered it first.
How much are they earning?
Unless this is a question you ask every friend you have, it is worth considering that the urge to ask this question might be founded in a desire to evaluate the other person’s worth. Ask yourself how you would react if they said a very low number compared to a very high one.
If what you want to know is what a common rate is for a sex worker in your area, there is nothing stopping you from going to an escorting website like Adultwork or Sleepyboy or Vivastreet. Asking your friend for their personal rate may make them feel uncomfortable, and if they choose to share it with you they may feel judged regardless of how you respond.
Instead of asking how much they are earning, congratulate them on doing well if they seem to be financially stable and living well, and offer help (if you’re willing to provide it) or commiserate with them if they are struggling financially.
If you have questions about sex work, there are lots of places to look these things up!
There are blogs like this one or this, there are sites like Tryst with articles written by sex workers, fact sheets from groups like the ECP (English Collective of Prostitutes), books like “Truth and Lies” or “Working It: Sex Workers on the Work of Sex” or “Revolting Prostitutes”, Ted Talks like this one by Juno Mac, and so many more.
Look for sex workers who are already talking about our experiences, rather than pushing a sex worker you meet to tell you more about their own. The more you know, which will be evident from the way you discuss sex work and the terminology you use, the more sex workers are likely to open up to you in the first place!
Jack Talks About Sex Work 