Pre-Prostitution Jitters

I’m really not sure what to call this phenomenon that I experience just before I sell sex after I’ve taken a break, but I’ve heard other sex workers discuss it so I know it’s not an experience unique to me. I’ve jokingly called it “pre-prostitution jitters” and that phrase seems as good as any.

When you’ve taken even a short break from selling sex, or it’s the first time you’re doing it, seeing the first client can be scary. If I haven’t seen a client for more than maybe two weeks, I’ll experience it – the unique kind of jitters that come from the fear and stigma associated with selling sex. It doesn’t matter if it’s an incall or a brothel shift or I’m going to a client’s home, the feeling is similar.

I feel this stress and low-level panic that doesn’t progress into a panic attack but makes me feel constantly on edge. To describe it to someone who doesn’t experience generalized anxiety, I’d say it’s like when you’ve had far too much caffeine and your body is reacting to it with that building nervous energy. I often get the urge to cancel an appointment when I feel it, even if there are no red flags and I really need the money.

We shouldn’t act like this is some quirk that comes from selling sex simply because it’s taboo, it’s important to recognize what these “jitters” seem to resemble. They resemble some of the symptoms of PTSD, particularly the type of anxiety that comes with it. Many sex workers have a history of sexual abuse or have been mistreated by clients since we started the work. This leads to understandable anxiety about meeting potentially dangerous strangers to have sex with them. Different people who discuss the anxiety they feel just before meeting a client will talk about it in different ways, as more or less severe, partially due to the fact that different sex workers will have varying experiences with PTSD or lack it entirely.

I do have PTSD, and I experience my pre-prostitution jitters like a cue telling me about the risk of a triggering event, rather than being an episode in themselves. Sometimes it prompts me to cancel on a client if I can afford to do so, other times I keep in mind that I’m in a more fragile state and do more screening, other times I simply push through it and hope for the best. Encouraging me to just stop selling sex is not a helpful response to this, because it does not take away the need for money. If I were not in financial need, I would not have to push through.

Several years ago I had a brothel shift, just prior to moving house, and I’d taken about 3 weeks off from selling sex before that. I badly needed money to cover my deposit on a new flat and went back to a brothel I’d worked at previously, planning to stay for a week and earn what I could. On my first day, I was unlucky and all the bookings I had were no-shows or cancelled or rescheduled. By day 2, I was very worked up. In the morning I got a message from a client who wanted to see me an hour from the current time, which I agreed to. Then I got the jitters.

I often take the severity of the jitters as a sign as to whether or not I’m in a fit state to sell sex at any given time. Too often we don’t listen to our bodies or the warning signals that they give us – not in terms of assuming they can sense the danger somehow, but in the sense that we often have a physical or mental limit and our body reacts when we get close to it. If you’re exercising too hard, you feel pain. If you’re too stressed out, you get anxious. If I try to sell sex when I’m not in the right mental place for it, I’ll get the jitters.

The feeling is often connected to taking a break from selling sex because if you’re selling sex consistently you get into a certain headspace. Either you’re comfortable and get into a rhythm where you’re not constantly at a high level of anxiety, or you’re miserable and far worse off than the pre-prostitution jitters so you don’t feel them.

When I got the jitters before seeing the client, knowing how badly I needed the money, I planned to ignore the warning sign that they were. If the client was fine, I’d likely have no lasting damage for ignoring them, and then I’d have more money to soothe my panic about my impending need to pay rent and a large deposit.

As the time got closer, the panic increased. As soon as the client texted to check with me about what services I offered and to ask if I’d do certain sex acts, my stomach dropped. I couldn’t work out why, since I’d done various brothel shifts there before and all the clients I’d had for a while had been fine. I had no specific reason to fear that particular client on that day, and yet that clenching feeling in my gut was only getting harder and tighter. So, I texted the client and cancelled. I’d already given him the postcode and I was in the brothel alone that day for a few hours, so I took my keys and immediately left to go and buy lunch somewhere public, out of panic that he’d show up at the postcode and wander around outside. There was no way he’d be able to find me even if he did, but the idea of watching him on the CCTV looking for me made me feel sick. I didn’t check my phone after I sent the message cancelling.

When I’d eaten lunch, I wasted some time wandering around until I felt enough time had passed and I went back. I checked my phone, no response from the client at all (maybe he’d have no-showed anyway) and I had several more inquiries by then. I arranged with another client… no jitters, no panic. Saw the client, he was annoying but ultimately forgettable, and afterwards I booked another. I ended that day having seen 3 clients, a respectable enough number for my first day back where I was actually seeing them.

It’s hard for me to work out why I felt such panic over the idea of the first client out of nowhere, then none about the clients later that day. Was it something about how the first guy texted that reminded me of bad clients I’ve had before? I’m not sure there’s a way to know.

Lots of people will talk about this and say it’s always PTSD, or that it’s simply a manifestation of the fear sex workers naturally feel about seeing clients. Many people even use discussion about this as an excuse to deny us rights, to argue the “sex trade” must be abolished for our own good. Regardless of why many of us feel this specific brand of panic, I can think of plenty of times I’ve desperately not wanted to see clients but have had to do so to be able to afford basic necessities. I don’t need to argue that this isn’t PTSD over sex bleeding through the denial many sex workers have about the trauma selling sex causes us – whether it is or isn’t, our need for money still exists and the reason we’ve chosen to sell sex is that it’s our best option.

I’ve had bar jobs where I’ve come home from work sobbing over how badly my feet hurt after a 14 hour shift and then in the morning I’ve felt like I’m about to vomit at the thought of going back into work. I’ve been threatened and harassed by co-workers or customers and feared returning the next day. I pushed through those feelings and returned to work anyway. I suppose to an extent, the jitters I get before selling sex aren’t dissimilar to the feeling of not wanting to do any other kind of work, though the extent of the fear component is different for me, due to how dangerous sex work can be compared to my other jobs.

What is hard to understand about the way this feeling functions is that while sometimes it can be overcome the same way anxiety about anything can, at other times it’s like a switch has been flipped last-minute and we just can’t handle seeing a client. It’s not just me, I’m sure of that. I see plenty of sex workers experiencing this phenomenon.

As usual with issues among sex workers, the way we fix this problem is by making it so that people don’t have to sell sex when they don’t want to by making sure they have the money and resources they need without doing so. Since that’s quite a way off and feels like a pipe dream for some, how do we handle this problem on an individual or small group level in the meantime?

I’ve been immensely lucky to have other sex workers as friends who’ve helped me out financially when I’m too terrified to see the client I had planned for that night. I’ve done the same for other friends of mine when they tell me they can’t handle seeing a client. When one of us is doing well, we reach out and help others, and hopefully we get that same support back.

In the absence of other options, pushing past your mental resistance can be damaging, so we need to be more understanding about taking care of ourselves after. That means taking breaks when we can, and not giving in on days where we’re feeling lazy instead of averse for other reasons. If I’m feeling tired and can’t be bothered to see a client, I push myself with the knowledge that if I cancel over that it might mean I can’t cancel the next week when I have that sick feeling of anxiety… because I’ll need the money too much. I want to be able to take time off just because I’m not in the mood, but if doing so means having to work despite terror later then I’ll gladly work through being tired.

I often avoid talking about these feelings because I don’t want people to react with panic on my behalf when I talk about seeing clients. I want to be clear that for me, I only experience this now when it’s been more than a couple of weeks since I last saw a client, and once I meet them it goes away and I’m no worse-for-wear. Occasionally I cancel on a client and try again later and see if the feeling repeats, but it’s not usually a huge issue for me these days. That doesn’t mean I don’t remember vividly when it used to be a larger problem.

Whether I’m half-jokingly calling it the “pre-prostitution jitters” or SWERFs want to call it “sex trade PTSD symptoms”, so many of us are experiencing this reaction and often having to work through it. We should be talking about it and looking for ways to cope, or at the very least sharing our experiences with each other for some level of comfort.