Among clients of sex workers, there’s a particular type that many of us come across who want to be more than clients. Some fall for our personas, some become convinced of our enthusiasm enough to think we want a regular hook-up, and others are lonely and imagine the money as a shortcut to friendship.
The fact is, I have actively disliked most of my clients for a number of reasons. A main one is that I started sex work young and my fake persona was not convincing – anyone paying to fuck me at 18 seeming that panicked about it was a creep. As I’ve gotten older and more confident, less actively fighting trauma responses, I still find that most of my clients are cheating on their spouses or care very little about my comfort.
You’d think that the clients who want to be more than just that, and the clients who treat the sex workers they see as if we aren’t people with our own desires, would be different sets of people. They’re not; the categories overlap to almost a circle rather than a venn diagram.
A client will convince themself that we like them because we smile and flirt and nod along without challenging things they say. That’s just customer service. We act how they seem to want us to, within whatever boundaries we enforce, to earn money and not get attacked. Most of the time the customers I consider “good” are the ones who finish quickly and don’t linger.
Clients think they’re doing sex workers a favour by offering badly executed oral sex, which annoys most of us because it doesn’t get a client closer to finishing (and therefore leaving) and also usually feels more uncomfortable than anything else. If I actually instruct a client, who I’m probably not attracted to in the first place, in what I enjoy… the illusion shatters. Part of what they’re paying me for, whether they realize it or not, is getting to bypass the compromise over pleasure for a partner’s preferences by giving cash instead. Even clients who claim to care about my pleasure actually want me to perform pleasure for them in response to specific acts.
When I have casual sex, I never remove my binder. Frequently, clients who ask me to remove it (which I do, because I’ll compromise when I’m being paid) then text later asking if I’d hook up for free since I seemed to enjoy myself. It doesn’t occur to them that what they desire from me sexually isn’t even something I enjoy.
That isn’t to say sex workers never befriend clients. It’s the exception and not the norm, but it can happen. Even then, the friendship or relationship is often complicated by the sex worker being dependent on the ex-client or a significant age and power difference. Regardless, one thing is relatively constant with the situations where a friendship or more forms – it is at the sex worker’s discretion.
Sometimes I hook up with men I meet on Grindr. Real whiplash from believing I was a lesbian a few years ago to being a bi guy fucking bi and gay men. The fact I do that now when I never did before means that rarely, I have good enough sex with a client that I’d theoretically be interested in them for a hookup instead of searching Grindr. If a client ever asked me for that, it would make me instantly uninterested. I charge because not only do I need money to live, but also because I’m taking on risk and I’m actively putting in work that I wouldn’t for a hookup. They can never know if I’m pretending to enjoy myself or not (and almost always I’m pretending).
I’ve never actually taken the step to message a client and ask to meet for sex or to hang out after seeing them. This week, I seriously thought about it for the first time. I didn’t do it in the end, partly because I hope he books me again so I get paid and mostly because I don’t want to set a precedent for myself or for him.
Back when I was struggling a lot more and selling sex while still suffering severely with PTSD from sexual trauma, plus deeply closeted about being trans, the idea of any meaningful connection with a client was unfathomable. I almost never had even minimal attraction to clients and with the few I did I was repulsed that they’d paid me for sex when I was so obviously struggling. Not to mention my disgust at being seen as a woman back then. Now that I’m not obviously dissociating while with clients and don’t seem uncomfortable and terrified (because I’m not!), I’m not automatically judging anyone who books a session with me. For a lot of sex workers, they’re always going to feel the way I used to. For a relatively privileged few, they’ll have always enjoyed it and won’t get why meeting up with a client they like would be any different than befriending a client from any workplace. We need space to share a variety of experiences whilst also keeping in mind what is common and who needs support.
Any client who wants to be friends with a sex worker should give up on that idea. You’re paying for us to pretend we like you. Try befriending people who aren’t paid to pretend, and who aren’t compelled to be accommodating by the risk of violence. If a sex worker you met wanted to be friends, they’re perfectly capable of reaching out first.
Sincerely,
A Sex Worker Tired Of “Wanna Get Coffee As Friends?” Texts From Clients I’ve Seen 3 Times.
Jack Talks About Sex Work 