Sometimes clients will tell me that if they were attractive women, they would be escorts. This comes with the assumption that if they were women, they’d be attracted to men and have a high sex drive. Usually, when I prod carefully at this idea, it becomes clear that they have this imagined idea of what sex work looks like that is pure fiction. They imagine that the sex is fantastic (as if a chunk of my clients don’t treat me like a sex toy), and that they’ll be attracted to every client (I’m not attracted to any, and sex workers I know who are into men don’t seem to be attracted to many).
There are also civilians who are not clients, that will tell me they’d do sex work if not for some factor in their life, like the fact that they’re married. Often I find that it’s said in a similar way to straight women saying they’d love to be gay, because then they wouldn’t have to deal with men, as if lesbians don’t deal with constant harassment from men and homophobia on top of that. I’ll hear women say they’d love to be an escort, because it’s so much money and doesn’t have requirements for entry. Of course, the truth is that most escorts don’t make much money at all, compared to the rest of the population.
I usually hear these comments as someone trying to signal that they don’t have an issue with sex workers, whilst still holding onto all of the stigma surrounding my line of work. They imagine themselves as a very rare type of sex worker, who is immensely wealthy as a result and loves their job, which isn’t the reality for the vast majority of us.
People probably think they’re comforting me, when they say they’d consider my profession if not for their circumstances. It doesn’t. It’s frustrating and patronizing, especially because I known they don’t mean a word of it. It also presumes that I chose this work because I lack the things that they claim hold them back, as if I won’t still be doing this once I’m a parent or if I ever marry.
It’s okay to admit you don’t want to do sex work. Plenty of people don’t want to do many jobs, and there’s a huge overlap between those people and those who do these jobs anyway, because we live in a society where we need money to live. Lots of people don’t like their jobs. You don’t have to personally think you’d enjoy mine, to still respect me and the job I do.
Some ideas of phrases that are more accurate, if you’re ever compelled to say you’d have been an escort if not for X or Y factor being in the way:
“I’d be an escort, if not for the fact that a family member gave me money when I needed it, so I didn’t end up selling sex to pay my rent.”
“I’d be an escort, if not for the fact that I was able to find a local food bank, so I didn’t have to choose between selling sex and eating.”
“I’d be an escort, if not for my friend offering me a place to sleep while I was homeless, meaning I didn’t offer sex in exchange for a place to sleep.”
Almost anyone might end up becoming a sex worker, under certain circumstances. Instead of thinking about why you wouldn’t freely choose the job, without any of the financial considerations, try framing it differently. There are plenty of circumstances where even someone who does not want to sell sex will choose it, because it is the best option available. Consider what things have kept you from being in that situation, and then please, choose not to burden me with hearing your explanations.
Jack Talks About Sex Work 